How to break bad relationship patterns

If you find that you’re going from one relationship to the next, attracting guys who don’t treat you the way you’d like, you may want to check out the Breakthrough to Love Quiz. This free quiz helps identify the underlying thought and behaviour patterns that could be causing a negative experience in your relationships.

For every quiz I get, I analyse the answers individually and send a PDF of one or two possible thought and behaviour patterns that may be present.

As I read through the answers to these questions, I can usually begin to get a sense of what the pattern is before I even get to the end.

How is that possible?
How to stop negative patterns repeating in your love life | Julie-Anne Graham Coaching | www.jgrahamcoaching.co.uk (image of mirror)

Other people treat you the way you treat yourself

In fact, there’s a direct correlation between the negative behaviour you're experiencing from your partner and your behaviour towards yourself. The world is like a mirror.  Other people treat us the way we treat ourselves.

So if you keep attracting selfish guys who disregard your feelings and needs, there’s a good chance that you’re disconnected from your own feelings and needs and treating them as though they’re not important.

Or if you attract guys who are critical and make you feel as though you’re never enough, there’s a good chance that you’re critical of yourself and feel like nothing you do is ever good enough.

Or if you attract guys who don’t make time for you, there’s a good chance you don’t make time for the things that are really important to you.

Once you understand that everything is a reflection, you can actually use the negative behaviour of your exes in a positive way, to identify what needs to shift within you.

Hallelujah!
How to stop negative patterns repeating in your love life | Julie-Anne Graham Coaching | www.jgrahamcoaching.co.uk (image of groundhog)

Without knowing this it can feel like Groundhog Day

When you don’t understand what’s going on it can feel like Groundhog Day, going from one guy to the next having the same experience over and over again. It can be so frustrating!

I know exactly what it’s like. Before I understood anything about the Law of Attraction it felt like I could only attract self-absorbed men. They seemed to be magnetically attracted to me, like a moth to a flame.

Of course, I never thought they were self-absorbed to start with. They seemed interesting, funny, exciting. I enjoyed their company and was always keen to know more about them and about the way they saw the world.

But when we had been dating for a while, it seemed as though we only did what they wanted to do, we only talked about what was important to them and they didn’t seem to be interested in my opinions or what I thought about things.


My beliefs and behaviours were causing the problem

Without knowing it, I was actually operating with the unconscious belief ‘I’m invisible’. This meant when I was on dates that I put all the attention on the other person, asking questions, inquiring about the way they saw things.

When it came to talking about myself I didn’t feel comfortable, so I would unconsciously divert the conversation back onto them. On the dates I was pretty easy going and had no strong opinions on where we should go or what we should do, I preferred to let them choose.

After a while, the guys would get used to having all the attention on them. They would get used to talking about themselves all the time and rarely ask about me. They got used to making all the decisions about where to go or what to do.

Essentially I was making myself invisible in the relationship, without understanding what I was doing.

After a certain amount of time, I would get angry that they never seemed to be interested in me or take my point of view onboard. So when I reached my limit and couldn’t take it anymore, I would split up with them, feeling upset and angry that I had chosen yet another self-absorbed man.

I had no idea why I kept having this experience. It was only when I started to look into the reasons why this kept happening that it all became clear.

I could see how I was responsible for what was happening, and I understood what I needed to do to change it. To my relief, I found that guys started to finally treat me as an equal.


Notebook and pens

Try it out for yourself

If you’d like to stop negative patterns in your love life, try this out.  Get a piece of paper and make three columns.

1.  At the top of the first one write ‘How he treated me’ and below make a list of all the negative ways that your ex behaved towards you.

2.  In the second column write ‘How I treat myself.

3.  In the third column write ‘How I can evolve out of this pattern.’

e.g. How he treated me - Joe disregarded my feelings and needs

How I treat myself - I disregard my feelings and needs - I push myself when I’m tired, I don’t take breaks, I say yes to people when I want to say no, I don’t give myself time to do things I love. 

How I can evolve out of this pattern - I can start journaling to tune into what it is that I feel and need, that will help me to identify things that I want to say no to. I can set an alarm on my phone to stop work at a particular time. I can start journaling about things I love - maybe I can book some tickets to the theatre at the weekend…


As you start to treat yourself the way you’d like to be treated, you will attract a romantic partner that treats you in the same way.

Try it out and tell me what you discover below!

And if you’d like some personalised help with this, check out my new mini package Stop Attracting the Wrong Guys.
The Stop Attracting the Wrong Guys Package

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