Why you might not want a relationship (even if you say you do!)

If you’ve been looking for love for a while and you haven’t found it, have you ever thought that there could be part of you that doesn’t actually want a relationship?

I know what you’re thinking. ‘What do you mean? Of COURSE I want a relationship! Look at all the effort I’m going to! I’m searching through online profiles, writing to people, going out on dates… why would I put all this effort in if I didn’t want a relationship?’

That may be true, but often when we want something so badly, we don’t look in the opposite direction to see if there’s another part of us that DOESN’T want it.

Contradictions in your energy

If you haven’t met the right person yet, it could be that you’ve got some contradictions in your energy. The conscious part of your brain says, ‘Yes, bring me a relationship now’, but the unconscious might say, ‘I’m not sure, I don’t know if it’s safe.’

Until you clear the contradictions, your mind is going to keep you safe by keeping a relationship at arm's length. (If you’ve ever had a pattern of meeting emotionally unavailable men, this is exactly what’s going on.)

Perhaps you suffered a betrayal and you don’t want to get hurt again. Perhaps you were badly treated in a relationship. Perhaps your parents' relationship was unhappy and you don’t want to emulate it. Or maybe you think you’ll have to sacrifice some part of yourself to be in a relationship and you’re scared of losing your identity.

Without addressing these contradictions, you’ll be working against yourself; part of you wanting a relationship, the other part scared of finding love and pushing it away.
Number 3

Simply ask three questions

To bring these contradictions up to the surface, ask yourself three questions:

1) If I got what I wanted, what’s the worst thing that could happen? (Yes, you read that right, what is the worst thing that would happen?)

2) How does getting what I want feel unsafe?

3) What are the advantages of not getting what I want?

Take some time and think it through

 1) If I got what I wanted, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

e.g. I don’t want to end up having a relationship like my parents where they’re fighting all the time and not happy.
I don’t want to end up being like my mother, just looking after the kids and not having a life.
I don’t want to share my space with anyone, if someone was there all the time, then I might feel suffocated. I couldn’t do what I want to do.

2) How does getting what I want feel unsafe?

e.g. If he’s really gorgeous, then maybe I’d constantly feel on edge, thinking that he is going to cheat on me, or leave me for someone else.
I might feel bad about myself, constantly comparing myself to other women and feeling insecure.
My relationship with my best friend might suffer because she’s single and we’d no longer have that in common.

3) What are the advantages to not being in a relationship?

e.g. I can do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone.
I don’t have to deal with any criticism or negativity or worry about getting hurt.
I don’t have to deal with feeling uncomfortable going out on dates with people I don’t know.
I don’t have to deal with anyone I know seeing me on a dating site.
I get to hang out with my best friend a lot because she’s single as well and it’s fun.
I get to have my own space.
Are you scared of finding love? - Woman writing in notebook

Then challenge your answers

Once you have these answers, then you can go through them one by one and unpick them.

For example, if you're scared of ending up with a relationship like your parents, it can be good to define what aspects of that relationship you didn’t like. Simply make a list, and then flip the characteristics from the negative to the positive.
Negative - Dad always undermined mum.
- I want a relationship with a supportive man who encourages me. 

- They always shouted at each other.
- I want a relationship where we can talk to each other in a respectful way.

Then simply make a promise to yourself that you’re only going to go out with supportive, respectful men who encourage you.

If you are fearful of sharing your space, think about how you could resolve that.

Could you decide that if you move in with someone you’ll make sure you have a room/area of your own so that you always have your own space? Do you need to work on your boundaries, and saying what you need, so that you can tell your partner when you need space?

Once you're aware of the contradictions you can come up with solutions, so you won't be scared of finding love.

How can I help?

If you’re stalling with dating and you feel conflicted about it, check out my new mini package, Get Yourself Out There. In this package we work through these questions together, finding solutions to whatever might be standing in your way, so that you can feel excited about dating and meeting new people. It’s only £99 and all the details are here.